But truly, looking back, I did not have a good understanding of fear, especially my own!
Coming from a veeerrrrryyyyy small town, I did not let anything hold me back. While most kids were doing what all kids did growing up, I traveled alone – went from rural small town to large city for school – sang and traveled with a musical group. I really just wanted to get out of town and experience other things. People were really amazed when I went back home to hear what I had done.
However, my fear did not come from being alone, trying new things, going places that I did not speak the language. My fear came from being judged. I was afraid that someone would see my weaknesses – that I would see my imperfections.
Perfectly dressed, educated, driven to succeed, the best employee, and later I added the perfect wife, mother, worker, friend, volunteer. I surrounded myself with people that needed me, that way maybe they wouldn’t see my weaknesses. I know this sounds harsh. Even writing it makes me feel very uncomfortable.
Now don’t get me wrong. I also had friends that were trying to live up to that perfection game as well. As a whole, we were unfulfilled, felt unloved, felt we were not enough and judged ourselves more severely than anyone one else ever could.
At the end of the day, I was just not enough….
Then I heard Brené Brown describe perfectionism like this:
“When perfectionism is the in the driver’s seat, shame is riding shot gun and fear is in the back seat!”
WOW, did this resonate with me. Now, to get to why I used this perfectionism as my shield, I was going to have to spend some time looking at the shame and fear.
Over the last three years, I have come to understand how fear and shame shaped me. I had to get real with it and then allow myself to let it go. When I finally acknowledged my own fear and shame, it seemed rather silly and unrealistic.
Today when I hear the nasty voices of fear and shame, I remind myself of who I am today. Not the person shame and fear want me to be. I still struggle, but when it starts I make sure that I tell myself the same kind words I would say to a friend.
Do you struggle with fear? Shame?
Creating a buzz……¯`•.¸¸.ஐ