Can you ask for help? 

Can you ask for help? I can’t.  And sometimes I really need it.  But if I ask for help someone will see my weakness.  Weakness is the very thing people are looking for so that they can move in for the kill. Right?

ask for helpHow many times have I been faced with a problem or situation and not had the answers.  Goodness knows I would not admit that to anyone.  I spend hours and hours analyzing, researching until I knew what I thought I needed to do.  I would feel confident that I could move past this obstacle.

Many times I solved my issue…… But there was something that was missing.   When you ask for help many times you also get comfort, empathy, compassion.  These were the things I missed by not reaching out to others. Someone to hear your fears, listen to how you were already working it out and reach across to  let you move into your fear with someone to see where you were standing without judgement.

Who is this person in your life?  Do you need this?

Creating a buzz……..

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Shared History

shared historyShared history.   I have thought a lot about this over the last couple of years. We all have a sense of belonging when we have people that have known us for many years: Shared holidays, tribulations, milestones and loss. People that know the path we have walked, understand why we feel certain things with such conviction. Shared the history of our journey like no one else.

What happens when the connection to these people start to break and slip away? Like an ugly divorce – drives uninvolved people to opposite camps – our personal journey might drive people away from us as well. If we live long enough, death and illness can break the lines of shared history.

I have recently found myself detached from quite a few that have shared my history. For numerous reasons, many listed above….. That sense of belonging seems elusive to find. Who do you call just to talk things over with? Who will know what you are talking about without the whole story?

Basically, I am asking how to start this process all over again? It has been so long, I am not sure where/ how to start?

Advice, please….

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Are you trying to fit in?  How? Where?

A few years ago I realized my whole life was spent trying to fit in somewhere.  Work. Family. Socially. As I reflected on what it had cost me to fit in, I realized it had just about cost me everything.  The more I tried to fit in, the more tired and emotionally numb I became.

fit inI asked myself: “When did this craziness start?”  Suddenly, I remembered my small little 4th grade self.  I had always been so excited for school to start, but pretty quickly I realized that I wasn’t the right religion, I was too smart, I was chubby, my parents weren’t from Auburndale, I was happy and outgoing (and a talker).

None of this fit in to Ms. X classroom or Central Elementary school.  So it began –  I did everything I could to fit in.  Trying to become as invisible as possible.  I became a pleaser so that people might not notice I did not fit in.

At about age 49 I just could not keep up the mask anymore.  I felt like the mask was on so tight it was choking me.  I even found myself saying this out loud.  At first, I wanted to blame others, but pretty quickly I realized I had done this to myself.  What could I lose if I just let myself be me?

I did not become myself overnight.  I had to start little by little.  I had been trying to fit in for so long, I had to stop myself and ask if this was really me?  But, I am about 4 years into being aware of how to just be me.  It is enough.

Have you experienced this?  What has it cost you?

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Perfectionism

perfectionismPerfectionism…..Who feels they must try achieve this in every aspect of their lives?

Perfect children, prefect husband, perfect home, perfect job, perfect vacation, perfect dinner…

Perfect Perfect Perfect.

I was watching Oprah and Brené Brown on Oprah’s Life Class.  Brené Brown said that when perfectionism is in the driver’s seat, shame is riding shot gun and fear is in that back seat. Wow,  did this resonate with me.

I have been striving for years and years to create perfectionism, somewhere, anywhere.  But in the universe’s way, I was thrown curve ball after curve ball.  You think I would have given up on perfectionism after awhile.  But NO, I did not.  Kept pushing and pushing.

I really thought about how I had been hiding the real me.  Why? Frankly, I never thought I was good enough.  Afraid people would not like me. Fearfully that any weakness would be used against me.  If I showed who I really was, someone would laugh…..

Oh my goodness,  I saw my small, my little 3rd grade self so full of fear for so many reasons and I was still in that moment in time.  In my life, I used my 3rd grade self as the litmus test for who I did not want to be and did everything I could not to be her.

Til now!  I stopped.  I had to grow up and put that 3rd grader in her place.  I had to be the woman I was.  I was tired of living a life that did not allow me to make a mistake. I wanted to accept my imperfections.  BE ME!  Only Me the person I am today. Not perfect but beautifully imperfect.

How has trying to be perfected affected your life? Work or personal? Please share your story.

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Feel like a spider without a web?

Have you ever gotten to a point in your journey where you felt like you were a spider without a web?  Let me describe what I mean.

spider without a web, Kim Brust, Kimberly Brust I use a spider web to describe my life.  The spider spins his web by first laying down the anchor lines.  To me these are the people in our life that we have a shared history with for many years.  Those people that anchor us – like family, a spouse, children and even a best friend of many years.  As we spin the web, we connect with these anchors over and over again.  It is the pattern of this shared history that makes us feel connected and understood.  Someone that knows where we came from and who knows the events that have shaped us.

However, what happens when you have to cut one of the anchor lines? Or maybe two? It can feel like the web is unraveling.  I feel this way.  Over the last 3 years, I have had to cut a couple of anchor lines that were negative.  And even though we had a shared history, the relationship was toxic. Since this time, I have felt a bit lost.  My connection to the people that had known me for years was growing smaller and smaller.

  • Who could I call and talk things over with?
  • Who knew where I came from to help ease my fear?
  • Who could I cry with?
  • Who would  share the joyful events?

Quiet honestly, maybe I will never be able to replace those anchor lines…..

But I remind myself that the new web that I build will look different.  I may have fewer anchor lines but my web will be a more beautiful web without the toxic lines I was attached to.

Creating a buzz……

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