Perfectionism

perfectionismPerfectionism…..Who feels they must try achieve this in every aspect of their lives?

Perfect children, prefect husband, perfect home, perfect job, perfect vacation, perfect dinner…

Perfect Perfect Perfect.

I was watching Oprah and Brené Brown on Oprah’s Life Class.  Brené Brown said that when perfectionism is in the driver’s seat, shame is riding shot gun and fear is in that back seat. Wow,  did this resonate with me.

I have been striving for years and years to create perfectionism, somewhere, anywhere.  But in the universe’s way, I was thrown curve ball after curve ball.  You think I would have given up on perfectionism after awhile.  But NO, I did not.  Kept pushing and pushing.

I really thought about how I had been hiding the real me.  Why? Frankly, I never thought I was good enough.  Afraid people would not like me. Fearfully that any weakness would be used against me.  If I showed who I really was, someone would laugh…..

Oh my goodness,  I saw my small, my little 3rd grade self so full of fear for so many reasons and I was still in that moment in time.  In my life, I used my 3rd grade self as the litmus test for who I did not want to be and did everything I could not to be her.

Til now!  I stopped.  I had to grow up and put that 3rd grader in her place.  I had to be the woman I was.  I was tired of living a life that did not allow me to make a mistake. I wanted to accept my imperfections.  BE ME!  Only Me the person I am today. Not perfect but beautifully imperfect.

How has trying to be perfected affected your life? Work or personal? Please share your story.

Creating a buzz……

  • Twitter
  • del.icio.us
  • Digg
  • Facebook
  • Technorati
  • Reddit
  • Yahoo Buzz
  • StumbleUpon

Feel Free to Drop your Baggage

I have a story I tell my children all the time regarding being a parent.  I think it is so relevant to tell the story here as well.  Many times we see ourselves as a collection of events and situations that have determined our path.  We fail to see that we have been influenced by the events, situations and people that raised us and that raised them and so on and so on.

DropYourBaggageWhat makes this real to me is uncovering small nuggets of truth in my own family history.  The stories you hear from family members are often about funny or happy times.  Rarely the difficult or bad things.  However, listening carefully you will hear what they have packed away.  As they moved forward in their lives, they packed away negative experiences and carry it with them everywhere they go.  Every new relationship, their spouse, children and even friends experienced what was in the baggage that they carried.

As a parent, I tried so hard not to repeat those mistakes, but during difficult times the baggage would unpack itself and be thrown all about.  Making a mess of things.  Until recently, I could not understand where this behavior came from.

There were times when my actions were a history of behavior that I repeated from what I had seen.

So, I say to my children… During your lives, I have given you baggage to carry.  I know that at times those bags will seem to weigh you down, making it feel like you can’t go forward.  But you have my permission to drop them and never pick them up again.  Never unpack them or open them to look at what you are getting rid of.  Just drop them, wherever you are and don’t look back.  If you do pick them back up, it is your choice.  I love you and carried my bags too long because I did not know that I did not need what was inside. Fear made me hold on to what was comfortable.

Dropping the baggage left me with an incredible sense of happiness and a realization that as  parents, we did not know that the baggage we carried could be put down…that just because it is how it was done doesn’t  necessarily mean it had to be repeated. Just because someone said it was good enough for me…. doesn’t mean it IS good enough for you.

If you felt loved, you were. Acknowledge that the person that loved you, loved you the best that they could with the baggage they carried.  By giving the acknowledgment and forgiveness will help you move on to the next destination without the unnecessary baggage.

¸¸.•*¨*•*´¨Creating a buzz…. Have you dropped your baggage?

  • Twitter
  • del.icio.us
  • Digg
  • Facebook
  • Technorati
  • Reddit
  • Yahoo Buzz
  • StumbleUpon

Negative Words

There are so many ways we sabotage ourselves; procrastination, unable to ask for help, fear of failure, worthiness and lack of confidence.  All of these, however, are rooted in one thing: negative words we use about ourselves to ourselves.

I am fat! I can’t do it! I don’t know how! I’m not smart enough! I am not lovable! No one will help me! Blah, Blah, Blah……

Personally, I have said all these things to myself and more over the last 50 years. And the funny thing is, that it did not matter what anyone else said.  I never believed that they were being honest with me. “They could not possibly know what I know about myself.”

Negative ThoughtsFinally, I had to sit down and give myself a good talking to!  I asked myself, “If I heard someone telling themselves these negative things, what would I tell them? Then, why is it ok for me?” I really had to sit down and look at the messages (and I mean that in the plural form), I was telling myself.  IT WAS BAD!

From that day forward, I started with simple mantras every morning.  I am worthy of love, success and happiness. Everyday I will make healthy choices including food and exercise to maintain my good health. Today, I will find something to be happy about.

Self-fulfilling prophecy. I have not found love but have found happiness, and success is just a step away. Everyday, I try to make the best choices I can regarding what I eat and the physical activity I do.  My weight is maintained even as I go through menopause.  And as far as the happiness scale, I smile everyday. There is so much to be happy about and grateful for.

I still find myself occasionally having negative thoughts but I nip them in the bud. I will not let negative thoughts ruin my day or my life.

Make a choice to tell yourself the great things about you….

Creating a buzz.

  • Twitter
  • del.icio.us
  • Digg
  • Facebook
  • Technorati
  • Reddit
  • Yahoo Buzz
  • StumbleUpon

Letter to Self

I have learned a lot about myself lately. Specifically, I have been a compulsive pleaser. I have wanted to please everyone and save everyone to make myself feel useful and important.  However, now it has taken a great toll on me. I don’t know who I am, what I like, what is important to me or where my boundaries should be.

Kim Brust Letter to SelfI have let my guilt tell me what to do and think. I am absolutely numb now. I have not allowed myself to feel any other emotions but worry, guilt, anxiety.  Running seemed like a viable solution on many days. Then, reality sinks in and  I think, “I can’t leave my kids.” I actually have a plan but fear keeps me doing what I have always done.  I have let people that love me tell me what to do, what to think and how to live, how to raise my kids, what I should do with my money, what is right, that I am wrong,  that I don’t know how to love, that I am cold, a push over, problem solver and a whole lot of other stuff.  My guilt has had me believing this for so long and second guessing myself I feel rooted and scared that my judgment was not good.

I know I cannot continue to live this way. I must find out how to have healthy, functional relationships that don’t feel like I am always trying to make someone happy. Unfortunately, I have lived this way for my entire life. I really want to be able to like me, feel worthy of someone’s love, assistance, care, concern.  I want to say “no” and mean it and then stick to it.  I want to have fun doing things I always wanted to do. I don’t want to worry that people will judge me. I don’t want my fear of failure or being judged keep me from trying. I want to feel worthy of success and then relish in the achievement for a while. I want to try to feel like “me,” whatever that is.

I know some of you won’t like the changes and some will say, “It is about time.” I am done fixing emotional problems for others. I need to focus on my own. I am half way through my life and don’t want to live the second half like the first. I can’t be what you want. I must be who I am.

New Rules:

I won’t be pushed around.

I will let others be angry and not try to smooth it over.

I will feel anger, happiness, joy, sadness and all emotions I have not let myself feel.

I will not be a brick wall for others emotions or problems.

I will be a good listener.

I will be compassionate.

I will not put others wants and need before my own unless it should be of a critical nature.

Guilt will not be how I make decisions.

I will not sacrifice my needs so that others can be happy because I know that it won’t make them happy.

I will learn what makes me happy and I will do it over and over again.

I want my kids to see me happy and not think it is their job to make me happy.

I wrote this to myself three plus years ago at what was the beginning of the end.  As I re-read this now, I realize how letting go of so many things has left me feeling liberated and happy.  My new rules are still relevant to me.  I often remind myself that I am not the “fixer.”  I recognize myself when I look in the mirror; so much closer to the me I want to be.

Looking back….. creating a buzz…….

  • Twitter
  • del.icio.us
  • Digg
  • Facebook
  • Technorati
  • Reddit
  • Yahoo Buzz
  • StumbleUpon

Are you sucking the life out of the people you come in contact with?

Are you sucking the life out of the people you come in contact with?  Is the glass 1/2 full or 1/2 empty?  Are your conversations filled with negative words?

It’s their fault!   You missed this one detail!   You are being bad!  I don’t have enough money! Life sucks! She’s a B—–! You really messed that up!  You did not do that right! You did not try hard enough!

That is a lot of negativity.  Many times we don’t realize how much negativity we are spewing out.  Words are so powerful.  And when we use negative words in our daily conversations, not only does it reflect our own pessimistic vnegativityiews but it rubs off on the people we love and come in contact with daily; which, in turn, brings more negative back to you.

I know this will sound very Pollyanna, however, look for a bright spot.  It’s there, I promise.  At first it will be like a diet, hard to follow, but the more you look for it the easier it gets. And before long you will  start to see the bright spots all around  you.  In the most difficult situations, there will be something good and possibly wonderful.

This will become infectious.  People will look forward to seeing you.  You will enjoy life.  Your glass will always be 1/2 full.

How will you change your outlook?

Creating a buzz……

  • Twitter
  • del.icio.us
  • Digg
  • Facebook
  • Technorati
  • Reddit
  • Yahoo Buzz
  • StumbleUpon

Do you take “me time”?

Employee or business owner, mother, wife, friend and volunteer are all titles that many women wear daily.  When my kids were little, I would often think about standing in a hat shop trying on different hats. During a normal day, I would wear 3-4 hats interchangeably.  Off. On. Off. On. Off. On.

Me TimeIt wasn’t a wonder that I was tired at the end of the day.  What’s for dinner? Can I go to my friend’s house? Can this employee have vacation time?  Can you see Mr. Client now? Do you want to have a date night on Saturday?  The girls are meeting for lunch on Saturday, are you in? How many tickets can you sell?  Can you clean up after the event?

Whew, where is the balance and better yet, where is the ‘me’ time?

No one will give you this time!  You must take it!  Ask yourself this question: If I am not there for myself, how can I be there for anyone else?”  So many people depend on you.  And you want to be able to be in 100%.  If this is true, then you must take time for yourself.

Begin by just carving out a small amount of quiet time for yourself daily.  It could be 15-30 minutes undisturbed to just let your mind wander.  You will be surprised how this small amount of time will become like a vitamin.  When you don’t take it, you really miss it.

You will begin to look forward to this time as a time you can be creative, dream, look into the future and plan how you are going to get there.

Let me know how this works for you.

Creating a buzz…

  • Twitter
  • del.icio.us
  • Digg
  • Facebook
  • Technorati
  • Reddit
  • Yahoo Buzz
  • StumbleUpon

Why does asking for what you need have to ‘bee’ so hard?

Starting new relationships causes many of us to feel uncomfortable – whether it is a significant other or a friend – can force us to have conversations we have never needed to have before (or at least in a very long time).

FB why does askingIn the last year I had to walk away from a friend that had been my best friend for over 20 years. And while there was a grieving for the loss, it was something that had to be done.  Unfortunately, I had intertwined work and friendship.  One area created a loss in the other.  For months I walked around with a hole in my heart and that constant feeling that something was missing.

I still have many wonderful friends, but even after 9 months I still think about our friendship.  But most recently I have been thinking about how to create new, deeper friendships with friends I already have.  It will never be the same but perhaps it can be the type of friendship I need for this stage of my life.

Thinking back to what I need … I found myself reflecting back on the results of taking Strenghtfinders 2.0.  It indicated that my top two strengths were Empathy and being a Relator.  As these two strengths have shaped me so strongly, I really feel that they have become part of my core personality.

Empathy has always served me well, as I can often relate to how a person is feeling and what it would feel like to walk in their shoes.  This has been a big strength, as I have trained employees, talked to my children and listened to clients.

However, the idea of relator was new to me.  Being an extrovert, I just assumed that I loved being around people.  And I do.  But what being a relator meant was being with a close circle of friends that I had strong bonds with.  It meant having strong, regular contact with them in order to feel the closeness of our friendship.  Whether it was a phone call, a drink after work or dinner, I needed to feel the connection.

Now, as I try to create that new intimate relationships, I reflect on how important having that connected feeling is.  The only way to get it is to ask for it.  And then to understand that not everyone feels that it is as important as I do.

What do you need to ask for?

Creating a buzz…..

  • Twitter
  • del.icio.us
  • Digg
  • Facebook
  • Technorati
  • Reddit
  • Yahoo Buzz
  • StumbleUpon

Why do we need conflict?

Why do we need conflict?  I hate it. I avoid it. I want everyone to be happy. It makes me anxious. I lose sleep when I know I have to face it.

For 51 years I avoided conflict.  I would agree just to keep the peace.  What I thought really was not that big of a deal, right?  Until I exploded!  It wasn’t pretty and I can’t believe that I was that angry.  People that knew me were in shock.  I was shocked as well.

ConflictThat was my wake up call.  I knew I had to stand up for myself for what I wanted or thought was important.  The happiness of others was not my job. But ultimately, by avoiding conflict, my relationships were superficial.

Then, for work, I read the book, “The Five Dysfunctions of a Team,” by Patrick Lencioni.  It helped me see that conflict needs to happen and that when it is honest and respectful, the outcome can create a more harmonious relationship.  And while this was set in the work environment, it works perfectly well in my personal life as well.

When faced with conflict, I tell myself that the outcome will be good.  Be honest! Be respectful! Listen to other person! Keep an open mind!  I have tried it twice with good results.  This gives me the courage to do it again.  I still get anxious about the process but with the good outcomes, I know that I can push through!

creating a buzz……

  • Twitter
  • del.icio.us
  • Digg
  • Facebook
  • Technorati
  • Reddit
  • Yahoo Buzz
  • StumbleUpon

A Fresh Start

Every year I look forward to a fresh start in January.  Then by the end of the first quarter nothing seems different.  Until now. Over the last two years I have decided that I should find my passion and follow it.  It was hard to identify at first.  I knew what made me happy, family, dancing (especially salsa), music ( all types ) and traveling. But passion felt bigger than this.

Picture2My coach told me that passion comes from inside us; from our world view. It creates in us a want to make a difference.  I considered this along with understanding what my strengths and natural talents were. (we all have them)

My passion is so focused and it drives me everyday. I get up with an excitement to see what the day holds.  I am learning things and challenging myself in ways I was so afraid of.  But in the process I know that even if I fail that I will learn more about myself and it will only fuel my passion.

This year will be fresh, because I am.

Creating a buzz……

*picture found on Pinterest

  • Twitter
  • del.icio.us
  • Digg
  • Facebook
  • Technorati
  • Reddit
  • Yahoo Buzz
  • StumbleUpon

Do you see yourself as resilient?

Life has changed so much over the last 2 1/2 years.  Those things that I worried about never came to fruition. Some things I thought would be my stabilizers were never really there.

Picture1I was reflecting one day when my daughter came up and asked what I was doing.  I told her that I was simply thinking about the last couple of years.  I explained that I felt I had made some pretty big/bad mistakes and that I worried that the scars might affect my children in a permanent and negative way.

As with all my children, she was not afraid to be painfully honest. She said, “Mom, I have seen you down twice in my life (18 years), and each time you come back better than before.  It is your resilience that I admire so much.”

Resilient?  Me?  I really thought it was so much less than that.  I just get up everyday, faced with what needs to be done and know I can do it.  I had not seen myself as she had.  I simply saw the day to day.  As I have said before: “small steps taken consistently over a long period of time with faith and burning desire,” kept me focused on just what I could do today.

Life knocks us all down and it is how we handle the aftermath that counts.  From her point of reference, that ability to never give up, keep pushing forward affected her in such a positive way.  In her I saw a reflection of myself.  For that moment, I know that I had given a gift that would take her a long way on her journey.

What lasting gift have you given through your journey?

Picture from pin by Anya Griffin on yoga life | Pinterest

  • Twitter
  • del.icio.us
  • Digg
  • Facebook
  • Technorati
  • Reddit
  • Yahoo Buzz
  • StumbleUpon