I have learned a lot about myself lately. Specifically, I have been a compulsive pleaser. I have wanted to please everyone and save everyone to make myself feel useful and important. However, now it has taken a great toll on me. I don’t know who I am, what I like, what is important to me or where my boundaries should be.
I have let my guilt tell me what to do and think. I am absolutely numb now. I have not allowed myself to feel any other emotions but worry, guilt, anxiety. Running seemed like a viable solution on many days. Then, reality sinks in and I think, “I can’t leave my kids.” I actually have a plan but fear keeps me doing what I have always done. I have let people that love me tell me what to do, what to think and how to live, how to raise my kids, what I should do with my money, what is right, that I am wrong, that I don’t know how to love, that I am cold, a push over, problem solver and a whole lot of other stuff. My guilt has had me believing this for so long and second guessing myself I feel rooted and scared that my judgment was not good.
I know I cannot continue to live this way. I must find out how to have healthy, functional relationships that don’t feel like I am always trying to make someone happy. Unfortunately, I have lived this way for my entire life. I really want to be able to like me, feel worthy of someone’s love, assistance, care, concern. I want to say “no” and mean it and then stick to it. I want to have fun doing things I always wanted to do. I don’t want to worry that people will judge me. I don’t want my fear of failure or being judged keep me from trying. I want to feel worthy of success and then relish in the achievement for a while. I want to try to feel like “me,” whatever that is.
I know some of you won’t like the changes and some will say, “It is about time.” I am done fixing emotional problems for others. I need to focus on my own. I am half way through my life and don’t want to live the second half like the first. I can’t be what you want. I must be who I am.
New Rules:
I won’t be pushed around.
I will let others be angry and not try to smooth it over.
I will feel anger, happiness, joy, sadness and all emotions I have not let myself feel.
I will not be a brick wall for others emotions or problems.
I will be a good listener.
I will be compassionate.
I will not put others wants and need before my own unless it should be of a critical nature.
Guilt will not be how I make decisions.
I will not sacrifice my needs so that others can be happy because I know that it won’t make them happy.
I will learn what makes me happy and I will do it over and over again.
I want my kids to see me happy and not think it is their job to make me happy.
I wrote this to myself three plus years ago at what was the beginning of the end. As I re-read this now, I realize how letting go of so many things has left me feeling liberated and happy. My new rules are still relevant to me. I often remind myself that I am not the “fixer.” I recognize myself when I look in the mirror; so much closer to the me I want to be.
Looking back….. creating a buzz…….
Shared history. I have thought a lot about this over the last couple of years. We all have a sense of belonging when we have people that have known us for many years: Shared holidays, tribulations, milestones and loss. People that know the path we have walked, understand why we feel certain things with such conviction. Shared the history of our journey like no one else.
