A few years ago I realized my whole life was spent trying to fit in somewhere. Work. Family. Socially. As I reflected on what it had cost me to fit in, I realized it had just about cost me everything. The more I tried to fit in, the more tired and emotionally numb I became.
I asked myself: “When did this craziness start?” Suddenly, I remembered my small little 4th grade self. I had always been so excited for school to start, but pretty quickly I realized that I wasn’t the right religion, I was too smart, I was chubby, my parents weren’t from Auburndale, I was happy and outgoing (and a talker).
None of this fit in to Ms. X classroom or Central Elementary school. So it began – I did everything I could to fit in. Trying to become as invisible as possible. I became a pleaser so that people might not notice I did not fit in.
At about age 49 I just could not keep up the mask anymore. I felt like the mask was on so tight it was choking me. I even found myself saying this out loud. At first, I wanted to blame others, but pretty quickly I realized I had done this to myself. What could I lose if I just let myself be me?
I did not become myself overnight. I had to start little by little. I had been trying to fit in for so long, I had to stop myself and ask if this was really me? But, I am about 4 years into being aware of how to just be me. It is enough.
Have you experienced this? What has it cost you?
Creating a buzz……..