Scarcity #2

In my last blog post, I wrote about scarcity.  I would just like to continue the discussion a bit further.

Do you tell yourself, “I’m not ___________ enough?”

We can fill in the blank with hundreds of words but ultimately the answer is probably just “I’m not enough.”

This type of long-term thinking starts to shake our confidence and our love of self.  This statement also is a comparison to others.  Fundamentally, we are never going to be good enough when we believe this type of negative self talk.

So let’s make a pact to stop it now!Kimberly Brust

I realized a few weeks ago that I was in a funk.  I am a list maker and love to check things off my list.  It gives me a sense of accomplishment. Unfortunately, over a couple of weeks nothing was getting completed and things were adding to the list.  That was the trigger…..

I was off and running. I had been giving myself a negative talking to everyday about all the things that were undone and my ability as a leader, mother, etc. to get them done.  I was just not good enough! Then one morning as I was sitting at my vanity I heard myself.

Well, let me tell you,  I gave myself a good talking to.  Right then, right there I said: Now just stop it.  (I sounded like my mother for a moment).  Who you are is not measured by a to do list. There can be unseen road blocks and actions of others to slow you down.   The important thing is to tell yourself you can do it.  Work on it day by day.  Rome wasn’t conquered in a day and you are not measured by your to do list.

Creating a buzz….¯`•.¸¸.ஐ

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You are a disappointment

“You are a disappointment.”

Just let that sink in.

Kim Brust, Kimberly BrustLike many women my age, we have spent our lives trying to create a sense of a superwoman. Be high achieving, perfect mother, extraordinary and sexy wife/lover, a sensitive, caring friend, sister, daughter, president of the PTO or other charitable event and never, I mean never complain or look disheveled.

And of all those things, you fail at one. Which one?

It doesn’t matter!

All the wonderful things you do and have done have just been wiped away by this one failure.  One aspect of your life where you have not experienced the success or happiness that you had hoped for.

What do you do?  How do you respond to that negative talk, whether it comes from someone or in your own head?

Help……

Creating a buzz…..¯`•.¸¸.ஐ

 

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Fitting in

Fitting inWhen did we become so obsessed with fitting in?  Being just like all of our peers? We talk about being unique and loving ourselves. We even fill up Facebook with inspirational quotes to remind us.  Yet, from my view point, we are obsessed with fitting in than standing out of the crowd.

What do I mean?  Let’s take kids, for example:

Dress like everyone else, speak the same language, have the same phone etc.  Now while fitting in, have the best grades, be the best football player, be the most popular….etc. So what happens to the kid that is trying to fit in but cannot stand out in the most acceptable areas?

Similar things happen in the work place as well:

Someone who wears the blue suit, white shirt and red tie but is not the stellar salesman but keeps the computer systems up and running day in and day out.  Fitting in but not standing out…..

Fitting in is like putting an emotional stopper on who we are.  It is a constant reminder that our differences may bring the kind of attention that scares us.  So to remain somewhat invisible, we conform.  This takes the joy out of being able to be the person we were meant to be.

How are you conforming? How has it limited your joy?

Stand out!  Be the unique person you were meant to be.

Creating a buzz ¯`•.¸¸.ஐ

 

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Letter to Self

I have learned a lot about myself lately. Specifically, I have been a compulsive pleaser. I have wanted to please everyone and save everyone to make myself feel useful and important.  However, now it has taken a great toll on me. I don’t know who I am, what I like, what is important to me or where my boundaries should be.

Kim Brust Letter to SelfI have let my guilt tell me what to do and think. I am absolutely numb now. I have not allowed myself to feel any other emotions but worry, guilt, anxiety.  Running seemed like a viable solution on many days. Then, reality sinks in and  I think, “I can’t leave my kids.” I actually have a plan but fear keeps me doing what I have always done.  I have let people that love me tell me what to do, what to think and how to live, how to raise my kids, what I should do with my money, what is right, that I am wrong,  that I don’t know how to love, that I am cold, a push over, problem solver and a whole lot of other stuff.  My guilt has had me believing this for so long and second guessing myself I feel rooted and scared that my judgment was not good.

I know I cannot continue to live this way. I must find out how to have healthy, functional relationships that don’t feel like I am always trying to make someone happy. Unfortunately, I have lived this way for my entire life. I really want to be able to like me, feel worthy of someone’s love, assistance, care, concern.  I want to say “no” and mean it and then stick to it.  I want to have fun doing things I always wanted to do. I don’t want to worry that people will judge me. I don’t want my fear of failure or being judged keep me from trying. I want to feel worthy of success and then relish in the achievement for a while. I want to try to feel like “me,” whatever that is.

I know some of you won’t like the changes and some will say, “It is about time.” I am done fixing emotional problems for others. I need to focus on my own. I am half way through my life and don’t want to live the second half like the first. I can’t be what you want. I must be who I am.

New Rules:

I won’t be pushed around.

I will let others be angry and not try to smooth it over.

I will feel anger, happiness, joy, sadness and all emotions I have not let myself feel.

I will not be a brick wall for others emotions or problems.

I will be a good listener.

I will be compassionate.

I will not put others wants and need before my own unless it should be of a critical nature.

Guilt will not be how I make decisions.

I will not sacrifice my needs so that others can be happy because I know that it won’t make them happy.

I will learn what makes me happy and I will do it over and over again.

I want my kids to see me happy and not think it is their job to make me happy.

I wrote this to myself three plus years ago at what was the beginning of the end.  As I re-read this now, I realize how letting go of so many things has left me feeling liberated and happy.  My new rules are still relevant to me.  I often remind myself that I am not the “fixer.”  I recognize myself when I look in the mirror; so much closer to the me I want to be.

Looking back….. creating a buzz…….

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Why does asking for what you need have to ‘bee’ so hard?

Starting new relationships causes many of us to feel uncomfortable – whether it is a significant other or a friend – can force us to have conversations we have never needed to have before (or at least in a very long time).

FB why does askingIn the last year I had to walk away from a friend that had been my best friend for over 20 years. And while there was a grieving for the loss, it was something that had to be done.  Unfortunately, I had intertwined work and friendship.  One area created a loss in the other.  For months I walked around with a hole in my heart and that constant feeling that something was missing.

I still have many wonderful friends, but even after 9 months I still think about our friendship.  But most recently I have been thinking about how to create new, deeper friendships with friends I already have.  It will never be the same but perhaps it can be the type of friendship I need for this stage of my life.

Thinking back to what I need … I found myself reflecting back on the results of taking Strenghtfinders 2.0.  It indicated that my top two strengths were Empathy and being a Relator.  As these two strengths have shaped me so strongly, I really feel that they have become part of my core personality.

Empathy has always served me well, as I can often relate to how a person is feeling and what it would feel like to walk in their shoes.  This has been a big strength, as I have trained employees, talked to my children and listened to clients.

However, the idea of relator was new to me.  Being an extrovert, I just assumed that I loved being around people.  And I do.  But what being a relator meant was being with a close circle of friends that I had strong bonds with.  It meant having strong, regular contact with them in order to feel the closeness of our friendship.  Whether it was a phone call, a drink after work or dinner, I needed to feel the connection.

Now, as I try to create that new intimate relationships, I reflect on how important having that connected feeling is.  The only way to get it is to ask for it.  And then to understand that not everyone feels that it is as important as I do.

What do you need to ask for?

Creating a buzz…..

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Why do we need conflict?

Why do we need conflict?  I hate it. I avoid it. I want everyone to be happy. It makes me anxious. I lose sleep when I know I have to face it.

For 51 years I avoided conflict.  I would agree just to keep the peace.  What I thought really was not that big of a deal, right?  Until I exploded!  It wasn’t pretty and I can’t believe that I was that angry.  People that knew me were in shock.  I was shocked as well.

ConflictThat was my wake up call.  I knew I had to stand up for myself for what I wanted or thought was important.  The happiness of others was not my job. But ultimately, by avoiding conflict, my relationships were superficial.

Then, for work, I read the book, “The Five Dysfunctions of a Team,” by Patrick Lencioni.  It helped me see that conflict needs to happen and that when it is honest and respectful, the outcome can create a more harmonious relationship.  And while this was set in the work environment, it works perfectly well in my personal life as well.

When faced with conflict, I tell myself that the outcome will be good.  Be honest! Be respectful! Listen to other person! Keep an open mind!  I have tried it twice with good results.  This gives me the courage to do it again.  I still get anxious about the process but with the good outcomes, I know that I can push through!

creating a buzz……

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Do you see yourself as resilient?

Life has changed so much over the last 2 1/2 years.  Those things that I worried about never came to fruition. Some things I thought would be my stabilizers were never really there.

Picture1I was reflecting one day when my daughter came up and asked what I was doing.  I told her that I was simply thinking about the last couple of years.  I explained that I felt I had made some pretty big/bad mistakes and that I worried that the scars might affect my children in a permanent and negative way.

As with all my children, she was not afraid to be painfully honest. She said, “Mom, I have seen you down twice in my life (18 years), and each time you come back better than before.  It is your resilience that I admire so much.”

Resilient?  Me?  I really thought it was so much less than that.  I just get up everyday, faced with what needs to be done and know I can do it.  I had not seen myself as she had.  I simply saw the day to day.  As I have said before: “small steps taken consistently over a long period of time with faith and burning desire,” kept me focused on just what I could do today.

Life knocks us all down and it is how we handle the aftermath that counts.  From her point of reference, that ability to never give up, keep pushing forward affected her in such a positive way.  In her I saw a reflection of myself.  For that moment, I know that I had given a gift that would take her a long way on her journey.

What lasting gift have you given through your journey?

Picture from pin by Anya Griffin on yoga life | Pinterest

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This isn’t a masquerade….

Picture1What does it mean to be yourself? Who else could you be? This isn’t a masquerade. It seems to me that I have always tried to please others and fit in. Was I born like that or was I conditioned? I think there was a combination of things.

First, growing up in a small southern town appearances were everything. You never let anyone see a flaw. You leave your home fully dressed, make up on and hair done. You want to be the smartest kid in school, but you are told that you don’t work up to your potential. You are told you don’t practice the right religion, so you are relegated to the back of the room to teach yourself. Because your parents have a drink at night before dinner, there are kids that can’t come to your house. So you learn pretty quick to cover things up. Smile and never let them see the real you.

But then there was the self confidence issue. I could have used a whole lot more than I had. Every time I looked in the mirror, I said things like, “you are too fat, your hair won’t cooperate for the perfect “Farrah Fawcett” style,” and how you did not work up to your potential….focused on the bad and then spent so much time trying to cover that up as well.

After years and years of this, I forgot what made me, me! I had to remove that mask and start being myself, say no when I wanted, be angry when I wanted and do things the way I wanted, not what was expected.

Guess what? My confidence has grown. I feel happy, even exuberant. A couple of different people that I see only occasionally have said, “something is different about you; did you change the color of your hair? You look great.” It is just the happiness that shows on my face.

BE YOURSELF, EVERYONE ELSE IS TAKEN.

Creating a buzz…

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Why the Bee?

The bee goes from one “bee” utiful thing to the next. Taking what is freely given and sharing to create other “bee” utiful things in their garden. And then, after all the hard work, takes home some of the gift to the family to create something spectacular…that is again used to nourish and create growth.

That is what our individual journey can be.  Even through the difficult times and hard decisions, growth comes and we will look back and see how far we have come.

Bee like the Bee: work everyday to create something “BEE” UTIFUL!

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