I have learned a lot about myself lately. Specifically, I have been a compulsive pleaser. I have wanted to please everyone and save everyone to make myself feel useful and important. However, now it has taken a great toll on me. I don’t know who I am, what I like, what is important to me or where my boundaries should be.
I have let my guilt tell me what to do and think. I am absolutely numb now. I have not allowed myself to feel any other emotions but worry, guilt, anxiety. Running seemed like a viable solution on many days. Then, reality sinks in and I think, “I can’t leave my kids.” I actually have a plan but fear keeps me doing what I have always done. I have let people that love me tell me what to do, what to think and how to live, how to raise my kids, what I should do with my money, what is right, that I am wrong, that I don’t know how to love, that I am cold, a push over, problem solver and a whole lot of other stuff. My guilt has had me believing this for so long and second guessing myself I feel rooted and scared that my judgment was not good.
I know I cannot continue to live this way. I must find out how to have healthy, functional relationships that don’t feel like I am always trying to make someone happy. Unfortunately, I have lived this way for my entire life. I really want to be able to like me, feel worthy of someone’s love, assistance, care, concern. I want to say “no” and mean it and then stick to it. I want to have fun doing things I always wanted to do. I don’t want to worry that people will judge me. I don’t want my fear of failure or being judged keep me from trying. I want to feel worthy of success and then relish in the achievement for a while. I want to try to feel like “me,” whatever that is.
I know some of you won’t like the changes and some will say, “It is about time.” I am done fixing emotional problems for others. I need to focus on my own. I am half way through my life and don’t want to live the second half like the first. I can’t be what you want. I must be who I am.
I won’t be pushed around.
I will let others be angry and not try to smooth it over.
I will feel anger, happiness, joy, sadness and all emotions I have not let myself feel.
I will not be a brick wall for others emotions or problems.
I will be a good listener.
I will be compassionate.
I will not put others wants and need before my own unless it should be of a critical nature.
Guilt will not be how I make decisions.
I will not sacrifice my needs so that others can be happy because I know that it won’t make them happy.
I will learn what makes me happy and I will do it over and over again.
I want my kids to see me happy and not think it is their job to make me happy.
I wrote this to myself three plus years ago at what was the beginning of the end. As I re-read this now, I realize how letting go of so many things has left me feeling liberated and happy. My new rules are still relevant to me. I often remind myself that I am not the “fixer.” I recognize myself when I look in the mirror; so much closer to the me I want to be.
Looking back….. creating a buzz…….